If I was Raila:
If I was Raila:
I’d accept the fact that I’ll never be the president of Kenya & so I’ll just calm the fuck down. I’ll eat the eyes of 2 big fish to give me insight of what to do & sip some tea to escort it down my throat. I’ll think things through on why great opposition leaders need not to be president. Nelson Mandela tried it & realized it was too much for him. Ill reflect on my past wars in Kenya’s freedom from the tyrannical Moi government. I’ll think of the fight of new constitution. I’ll think of the scandals I have brought to light. That’s what am good at. Opposing & fighting for justice. That’s the legacy I’d love to leave behind as an inspiration to the new breed of opposition leaders & activists. I’d want my name to be a reference question. What would Raila do?
And then I’ll take a walk around my state house replica house & formulate a new strategy for ODM. That’s, again, what am good at. I’ll look at the top level ODM structure & pick a candidate to run. First thing to do is do away with the luolization of ODM. On its own, assuming Wiper party & the other affiliates, ODM is almost entirely a luo party. That’s the fact. How will I solve this? I’ll ask myself. Orengo is too close as an opposition leader to me he won’t be fit for president. Anyang Nyongo, well, he is too smart for the common mwananchi. He won’t be able to understand their problems or bring himself down to their level. Wetangula, too many scandals & nobody understands what he is saying. Kalonzo. He will leave the party, at the knock of the next best opportunity & I know it. John Mbadi…. Who is that? Bonny Khalwale. He is a fighter & fact checker. It would be best to leave him operate independently & let him act more as an advisor. So, who is left with the choice of being the next president? Quite obvious. Ababu Namwamba.
So yeah. That’s the guy to groom. More than 60% of the Kenyan population is of youngsters. Ababu is young & therefore relatable. He is also a family man, or that’s what we see from his Facebook/Instagram pages. Most importantly, he knows what he talks about. He doesn’t run his mouth aimlessly & from the recent demonstrations where he was noticeably absent, we can deduce he knows how to choose his battles. Case closed. With the tribal nature of Kenya, the whole of western province, with the backing of Raila, he will have 25% of the votes easy. Now to get the other 26%. Who will be his running mate? This will be a tough one. Tyranny of numbers must come to play & again with the tribal nature of Kenya, we can all agree that any tribe plus rift valley, or any tribe + central province is a guaranteed win. So who is fit to be the vice president. One man & one man only. Peter Kenneth.
At this point, I’ll be looking at my molasses plant & wonder why the fuck it stinks so bad & why did it just have to be close to the airport. After landing, you can almost think you are entering the abyss of a sewage plant so deep you’ll think that’s where the devil throws the ones he is fed up with. Back to the strategy. Peter Kenneth is almost everything Ababu Namwamba is, just with less experience. Over the years, Ababu has been more vocal than peter Kenneth & the only time we got to see him a lot is during the 2013 election period. This was his strategic miscount during the campaign. People knew the name but not the face behind it. Ill reach out to peter Kenneth & offer him terms of the deal. 1. You will remain the head of your party & your party will remain independent throughout the partnership. 2. After a successful 5 year run, consider the option of being a running mate for another 5 years & in return, if you’d want to run for president afterwards, you will be guaranteed of the same backing you will provide. Yes, most people will think you don’t have the numbers to bring to the coalition but those people don’t look at the reality on the ground. Kenyans are tired. They want fresh faces. If you or Ababu fuck up during the term of your presidency, that’s up to you.
And I’ll give the two candidates words of wisdom:
No 1. Please reduce the number of counties from 47 to at most 15. They are chocking the economy. That will also stretch to the number of mps, senators, MCAS & etcAs.
- Do away with the women rep positions. Its 2016. Men & women compete equally. They shouldn’t have special seats just for them. It gives the idea that women are more special or even worse, not equal to competition that they have to be given free seats.
- Create a true image of Kenya when selecting the cabinet. There are 42 tribes in Kenya. Each tribe is unique & can be represented but merit is key.
- Talk about tribalism every day. Kill it & you will both rule for 10yrs each,
- Cut government costs as much as you can. You are young, you will most likely see your grand children suffer from your missteps if the economy collapses.
- Corruption. Say no more.
So yeah! If I was Raila, that’s exactly what I would do. But I am not him. Am just a guy tired of the political status quo & the constant tribal bullshit that comes with it. The only death to tribalism is intermarriage & from an assumption, that will take around 2 generations from the current before it ends.
NB: I have zero affiliation with the names mentioned. I have only seen them radio & heard them on TV.
Also, the names are fictitious (lol) & this whole story is a work of fiction & should be taken as so in entirety without any omissions be it in its tone, humour, seriousness or any other words the writer comes up with. Any resemblance to a person whether dead or alive is highly regretted. I also have 50 bob in my account na deni ya mshwari. (In case someone wants to sue me because )
Law drafted by Google search lawyers.
Be on the lookout for If I was President Uhuru: But before then let me sip some potassium by chocolate.