Confession of a Kenyan Politician
Thank you for granting me this opportunity to express my views on the issues affecting our country today. To begin with, my name is Excellency, Hon. Mp. EGH.SGH.CDF.YDF (and other tittles I am yet to get) Pat Rock*. I am the MP of Shimoni in Northwest Nyanza Rift Central province, having held this position for now five terms and still counting.
I must admit that, I grew up from a humble background, full of challenges. I used to walk barefoot going to school and survived on Githeri for most part of my early childhood, so I have had a rough life and…. it’s my time to eat. My passion in politics began when I was a young kid, where I used to involve myself mostly in debates and other social activities which made me get an understanding of people and therefore wanted to be a leader among them.
I was able to get a good job as a lawyer, where I learned that, not everybody in this world can be good. At least there needs to be a clear distinction in life; the rich,the poor, the ugly, the beautiful… you get the point. Being a lawyer strengthened me to take heart and campaign to be an MP so the gap caused by life can at least be reduced, and I, be in the middle of the revolution. I wanted the best for my tribe. Other Kenyans had their own tribal leaders too. Everyone for himself.
My shot to being an MP was very rocky. I was ranked a distant fourth only garnering less than 300 votes (lower than my face book friends imagine) but I decided to take heart and try in the next campaign. I have to admit I was of good heart to the people and I was going to bring change to the constituency, but as the saying goes,once beaten twice shy, I had a change of tact in my next campaign. I become conscious that all I heard learnt in law school was actually true. You remember the part of balance of life? That’s what I am talking about. My competitors used means of campaigning which I considered crude and unfair to the people,but seemingly, I am going to adopt them. I realized people not only want false promises of what I was going to do as an MP, but they wanted to see an immediate show of what I was going to do when I become an MP. So I decided to take a 3 million shs loan for campaign. Everywhere I went, I made sure I poured money. After all that’s what the people wanted. That’s how easy it was to win their hearts and take advantage of their poor situation in return for my vote.Free alcohol in bars, free sugar for the women, promises and drugs for the youths, and even sweets for the children (ill need them when they get their IDs). Now with everyone happy and on-board, I was happy I was going to succeed and indeed I did not fail.
Now I came to power. A sworn in Honorable MP. You don’t address me in any lesser way than that or I might sue you just like Donald Trump sued a poor writer for calling him a millionaire instead of a Billionaire. And I had a 3M shs loan that was to be paid back. Thanks to CDF that loan will be serviced. All I needed to do was construct a latrine that costs 300,000 and indicate it coasted 4M. With 1M, my CDF committee will learn to be quiet and enjoy the free money. Like the devil,there is nothing for free. I thought the people knew that during my campaigns. “Shower them with promises and make the men drunk and you will hold power,” that’s what my adviser always told me.
With money all around me, I constructed a 30m house in the suburbs of Runda and lived the dream. I only go back to my constituency when it’s almost election time. For now, I don’t need them. I got links with the big and mighty of the country. From drug dealers to small fire arms smugglers and even human traffickers. By the they were political smear strategies…. But now I know they exist. And they control all the government arms from finances to ports, Revenue Authorities to Central bank, the whole transportation network, defense…. And all the other gateways of a country that require a hierarchy or bureaucracy in running.
That’s part of the story in the fewest words possible. As you have realized, we are untouchable.Don’t blame us much, remember you are the ones who vote. Make the correct judgements and all will be well. Now am off to the Gym if you can please excuse me.